Do you ever get the feeling that life is trying to tell you something? Like the universe is attempting to communicate something to you and you aren't getting it, so it's starting to beat you senseless until you finally do? That's how I've been feeling lately.
Looking at the last few weeks, I feel like I've been doing a lot of things for the good. I've changed up the blog, so that it can't ruin my chances at happiness again. I've moved to a new job where I feel like I'm actually helping people and contributing to society. I've attempted to cut down on my spending by sacrificing road trips and healthy food. I've cut my facebooking time down to close to nil. I'm not endlessly flipping through OkCupid profiles and therefore not becoming increasingly depressed by the lack of viable dating options. I've joined a soccer league. I get along with my new coworkers. I'm getting out with new friends more and meeting new people. I feel like I'm making progress...
On the other hand, I still feel so very off.
Since I stopped hearing from the boy (and probably never will again), I feel the lonely more now than I did before we started talking. I miss him and trying to forget about him feels crappy. It hurts to know that I'll never know what things could have been...worse that it's partly my fault. A life lesson, I guess: Even the smallest mistakes can be fatal.
I feel like the change of jobs was the right move and I'm really going to fit in here, but I'm SO freaking poor right now. I'll get paid on Friday for the last few days I worked at the last place and then there will be no income for another two weeks. My last pay check was on the 30th and that's a LONG time to go without income. Cutting costs is proving to be difficult, unless I want to go insane from never leaving the house and only eating Save-a-lot mac and cheese. No deal. Fortunately, Mom has agreed to lend me some money until I get back on my feet again. This is awesome, no doubt, but I hate accepting money from my parents. It makes me cry. Life lesson: Make sure you save up hard core before switching jobs.
Crying. I've been doing too much of that lately. Most recently, today, when I ran out of gas in the middle of the Denison/Ridge intersection. That's right, on my way to work I stopped at the light and my car stopped running. I called AAA and they informed me that my account was cancelled. Thank goodness I had cash, but it cost me almost $50 to have them rescue me. I was a half hour late for the fourth day of my new job. This was also my fault. The car said "20 miles" left on the fuel gauge, but 20 miles apparently means only 2. The universe translated this into another life lesson to beat me over the head with: Even if you don't have money for gas, find some and put it in your tank anyway, asshole.
There are other things that have recently gone on that make me feel like I'm missing something, but these three are the big ones. I realize that these problems could be considered petty in comparison to another's, but they are MY problems and they are affecting me in a deep and emotional way. I'm having stressful dreams about being 5 hours late for work and/or accidentally making friends hate me. I wake up worried that they weren't dreams at all. Thus, I carry them through the day and really feel like something is very wrong. There must be something that I'm missing here. I wish that instead of beating me in the face with life lessons, the universe would give me some sort of road map to follow. What more do I have to learn before I'm deemed ready and worthy to be content? How many more decisions (mistakes) do I have to "learn from," because it's honestly getting old. I feel like a blind person without shoes walking through a field of randomly placed boulders. When do I find my damn walking stick? WHAT AM I MISSING?!?!